Thursday morning I have a ritual. I go to the news stand at Laurel and Ventura and get all the new tabloids for the week. Then I stop at Starbucks and get an Iced Chai Latte, go back to the office, and spread them all on my desk. God help anyone that disturbs me until I’m finish; I’ve got real work to do.
While others feed third world countries on the $13 bucks a week I spend on the rags, I feed you gossip AND save you time and money. I consider it my Public Service duty. Reading each rag, cover to cover, is time consuming and costly, so I give you my top picks of the week for free. That way, when you’re in the Cash Only Express Line at the market, and you’re watching someone trying to use coupons and pay with an expired credit card, you can go directly to page 18 of The Enquirer and read about Matt LeBlanc’s night with a stripper (which by the way, isn’t one of my top picks of the week…so phony!)
At first glance, The Star, The Globe, and Us Weekly all have the same thing on the cover; Brad and Jen; Jen and Brad; the only one that doesn’t is the Enquirer, which has Extreme Celebrity Flaws; boring! I’ve seen enough pictures of celebrities without their makeup, cellulite on their thighs, and picking the underwear out of their ass. ..yawn. I want the good stuff like the close-up photo of the guy Tom Cruise is supposedly dating, who Paris Hilton is blowing in the bathroom or Mary-Kate sneaking drugs into the rehab center. Now, that’s newsworthy stuff!
Rule #1 for all you wanna-be tabloid readers…ALWAYS start with the Enquirer, as it has the best photos and stories. Page 5 this week…Nick and Jessica’s marriage is back on track. Thank God; now I can sleep at night. Frankly, if Mr. Ludy were making that kind of money for showing his ass (and FYI.. I suspect she’s wearing ass pads; compare the before and after photos) and all I had to do was worry about my so-called “singing career”, I’d plaster a big smile on my face too!
Page 6 – No story here, but damn Owen Wilson’s hot; I might even leave Mr. Ludy for him!
Page 7 - Julia Roberts quitting Hollywood to take care of Phinnaeus and Hazel and moving to New York to do Broadway? That’s rich. Please…when an actress says that, it really means “Hmmm…I’m over 35, I’m not getting the sister roles anymore. I’ll go to Broadway and say I want to become a great actress. Yeeeaaah, everyone will believe that!” Oh brother. Yeah, Julia, EVERYONE will believe that.
Page 9 - Barbara Streisand…The Mirror Has 2 Chins.
Oh my God!…page 44 – Speaking of mirrors, if Joan Rivers looked in the mirror, she’d see whiskers; she looks like a cat!! Enough with the plastic surgery, Joan; go BUY a damn cat.
page 63 – Okay, here it is…I’ve heard rumors and now I know. Tom Cruise is trying to “recruit” Oprah to the dark side. Yes, my friend, he wants her to become a Scientologist; however, she grew up Baptist and because Scientology’s been such a hot button lately, supposedly she’s holding out.
Hold out Oprah; you don’t need to be part of the Cruise Cult. Gayle is happy with the way the marriage is now.
Moving on to The Star…page 49
Speaking of Mr. Scientology, he wants a small wedding but Katie wants something else; a Roman Catholic priest at their wedding, and sources say he wants nothing to do with that. Apparently, he possibly wants it at an approved Scientology Center or the Scientology Yacht, for privacy. The Scientology Yacht? Let me tell you something. I’ve seen the Scientology Center on Hollywood Blvd., and I don’t think any of the cult members (oh I’m sorry, I mean “recruiters”) outside that facility, or any of their “recruits”, are being asked “Hey, would you like to take the Yacht out for some privacy?” It’s more like, “Hey man, pass me some of that Kool-Aid”.
Zzzz…on to The Globe. FYI…only read The Globe if you’ve still got time to kill; it’s my least favorite rag.
Page 8 and a great photo of Runaway Martha. Doesn’t she have minions to stand on their heads for her? Certainly, it must have crossed her mind that some jealous someone would rat her out to her parole officer for being at a yoga class; and then book shopping with Alexis as well? That’s wasn’t’ such a good thing.
And saving the best for last, page 16 has the latest on Brad and Jen; Jen and Brad; Angelina and Brad; Brad, Jen and Angelina. Oh brother. According to a “close friend” Jen’s ready to crack due to being dumped, the finality of the divorce, and photos plastered everywhere of Brad, Angelina and “their” kids; apparently she could harm herself. Are you kidding me? Jen, don’t do it! Mr. Pitt’s really the pits! With your body, acting talent and personality, there’s more candy in the candy jar! (but the candy’s NOT Vince Vaughn; he’s more like a sour lemon – eewww).
Here’s what I wonder; Mr. Ludy is my second husband (and possibly not the last), so I can relate. Is Jen sitting around the Malibu mansion in a stained t-shirt and sweats, hair in a topknot, crying her eyes out, with empty Haagen Daaz cartons all over the place? When I found out my first husband (aka The Jackass) was cheating, I got a fifth of Jack Daniels, put “November Rain” on the stereo, cranked it, took my Dalmatian Pokey with me, and sat in my dining room closet, alone in the dark and got tanked.
Ludy-ism #1..you must ALWAYS start with the Enquirer, as it has the best photos and stories.
Ludy-ism #2…only read The Globe if the person ahead of you in line is STILL trying to use his credit card for the 4th time. The stories are often lame and not worthy of reading.