All the covers, except the Globe, have the usual Bradgelina story on them. The Star and Us Weekly have the Renee and Kenny’s shocker. Let me guess…another man or another man? And since The Emmy’s just aired, all the tabs are filled with photos of who was wearing what, who attended which party, and who hooked up with whom.

Remember Rule #1, start with The Enquirer…

Page 4 – Angelina’s personal drama. This week our heroine seems to be embroiled in a legal battle regarding the adoption of daughter Zahara, and that it could possibly be illegal, due to the fact that the child’s natural mother may not be dead. Oh brother! Honestly, I’m so bored with the whole Bradgelina and Jen weekly drama, I didn’t finish the rest of the article. If you need to know the details of this ongoing soap opera, or need to see if Angelina and her slew of high priced attorney’s can take on, and crush the Ethiopian government, please turn to page 4.

Page 6 – Hmmm..looks like an Emmy update. Here’s The Ludy Emmy update: Boring, boring and boring. Come on! From the opening musical mess of Earth, Wind and Fire and The Black Eyed Peas singing a recap of the year in television, I knew it was going to be a very long night! What jackass thought of that? The lyrics were so garbled and unrecognizable, I should have turned it off then. But stupidly I thought, it has to get better. Yes, stupidly. Ellen DeGeneres’ monologue put the nail in the coffin. She must have been so busy daydreaming about what Portia was wearing underneath her flaming orange gown, that she forgot how to deliver her lines.

Enough of the Emmy’s; the Oscars are truly where my heart is. Back to this week’s dirt…

Page 12 – Apparently Britney is selling the rights of her birthing experience for $6 million. You couldn’t PAY me $6 million to watch it! Is a glimpse of her yoo-hoo worth $6 million dollars? Surely, she doesn’t need the money, and Britney, if you do, maybe Kevin should get a job and stop living off yours.

Page 20 – Our fearless leader (George Bush?) seems to be nursing the booze bottle again. That’s great; just great. The leader of the greatest country in the world can’t take the pressure of a natural disaster, and has to turn to the bottle for support. Yeah, that’s who I want to be in charge of my future. I can sleep at night knowing that.

Page 36 – 20 years of Oprah; that’s 20 minutes too much!

Page 56 – Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney split; gay, straight, unfaithful- what’s the issue; and she’s filing for an annulment? Doesn’t an annulment mean the marriage wasn’t consummated? Come on! Who’s married for 4 months and sees no action between the sheets? No one I know…no one.

On to the STAR. The cover is Renee herself, and an out of control Jessica Simpson. Page 1-13 is all Emmy coverage. Photos of dresses (all of which bored me this time) and party coverage.

Page 12 – Josh Holloway is so damn hot! His wife, Yessica, better watch out and look a bit more alluring than she does in the picture. I’ll get lost with him any day!

Page 50 - Is that Jessica Simpson, or Courtney Love? What a mess Jessica is! If I were Nick, I’d run the other way too!

On to Us Weekly – Again, Emmy round up – best dressed; who’s with whom.

Page 42 – Is that Liv Tyler? What happened to our glamour puss? You’re supposed to feed the baby, not eat the baby!

Page 51 – Awww, look! A photo of Catherine Zeta Jones and her grandfather. No wait! That’s not her grandfather; that’s her husband Michael Douglas.

Page 65 – So Jen and Oprah are gal pals now, as Oprah helps her through her Bradgelina troubles. She’s also advising her to take it slow with Vince Vaughn. Better watch out, Jen. You’ll be a secret scientologist too if you keep spending girly weekends with Oprah and Gayle. And FYI…The Globe is reporting Oprah is building a secret tropical hideaway for herself and a “special” friend (and I don’t mean Stedman). Apparently, Oprah’s gal pal Gayle will be sharing the tropical oasis with her. Enough already…just admit you and Gayle are lovers and move on.

And if you’re still waiting for your nails to dry, the Globe is offering these tidbits…

The pregnant, white trash picture of Britney on Page 20 is worth the $2.99. Wow.

Page 55 – On the Royal front, Prince Harry turned 21 on 9/15. Poor boy; all the money and fortune one could possibly hope for, and he’s still cursed with his father’s looks.

Page 56 – Cocaine Kate – a sensible diet and chronic exercise my ass!

Page 62 – Scientologist alert! Leah Remini has jumped on the Brooke Shield’s band wagon and is bashing Brooke for how she handled her post-partum breakdown. Give me a break, Leah. Show ratings bad and now you’re trying to drum up publicity? Give it a rest; it’s really none of your business