This week I bought the usual suspects; The Enquirer, Star, Us Weekly, and the Globe, and for a change of pace, I picked up the National Examiner; we’ll soon see if that was a mistake. This week’s covers are all about Ashton and Demi; the Globe, of course, doesn’t mention “The Moore’s” at all (the Globe is so lame). The National Examiner is all about Prince William’s secret brother; yeah, this ought to be good!
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves….first The Enquirer.
Page 3 – for all you Dallas fans, looks like John Travolta is at the top of the list to play JR Ewing, when Dallas hits the big screen. Please…that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard of, and Jack Nicholason as Cliff Barnes. Who the hell’s casting this? For one thing, Cliff Barnes and JR Ewing were about the same age on the original series; Jack looks old enough to be John’s father; not arch enemies! Someone’s ego seems to be in the way of good casting…
Page 6 – Look at the rock on Lisa Marie’s finger! You can see if from a mile away. Speculation is she and Michael Lockwood are secretly married. It looks like the Hope diamond; but what else do you give a King’s daughter….
Page 18 – Poor Liz Taylor. She’s become a recluse and is said to be ready to die. She’s sleeping 12-14 hours a day and hasn’t left her Bel Air mansion in over a month, and has cancelled all of her social engagements. I don’t think that’s waiting to die; I think that’s what Courtney Love does after a bender! Seriously, I hate to hear Liz is deteriorating, as she’s one of the greats. She was at her peak in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof”, and I don’t’ think she ever fully recovered when the love of her life, Michael Todd, died in the plane crash.
Page 20 – Here we go; this week’s big event; Ashton and Demi…did they or didn’t they? I’m hearing rumors that the wedding was all a punk for his TV show; could it be? Only 40 guests at “Hollywood’s biggest wedding”? I find it hard to believe that the biggest wedding this year, only has 40 guests! According to the article, they did it in secret, not even telling Ashton’s twin brother, because Demi supposedly hates his family. Come on! Are we really to believe this stuff?
Paget 38 – Nice photo of Rosie O’Donnell and Fran Drescher lip locked. Please…Rosie better get back on the bus with her sister; Fran’s straighter than a $5 bill.
Page 42 – If anyone cares, Kathie Lee Gifford has had what looks like more face work so she can take Pat O’Brien’s place on The Insider. Does that mean we have to endure her son, Cody, as her co-host?
On to the Star…
Page 12 – Planet TomKat is back at it again; this time it seems Tom and Katie can’t decide on where to tie the knot. He wants to wed in LA at the Church of Scientology (of course – freak) and she wants to have it in Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula. Rumors are also circulating that a little Cruise may be on the way…
Page 26 – What a waist or waste depending on how you look at it. Looks as if all 4 Baldwin brothers should call Jenny Craig!
Page 44 – Enough with the Brad and Angelina story. If you want to meet the real Mr. and Mrs. Smith, it’s all there; otherwise, I’m over it.
Page 48 – The Star is reporting a little different story than the Enquirer. Ashton and Demi have a hurry up wedding. They send e-mail invitations, and 20 hours later, they’re married. What about the marriage license? What about the pre-nup? They had to have pre-planned something because as far as I know…no marriage license = no legal marriage; thus no need for a pre-nup. And you KNOW the pre-nup agreement would have been all over the place!
Page 64 – Ok…here we go! The skinniest woman in Hollywood – it’s got to be Teri Hatcher, and guess what? She’s waaaayyyy too skinny! I’m sorry, but boney is not sexy! She has no curves; it would be like hugging a stick, and there’s no comfort in that! You just want to shout, “For godsakes, eat a sandwich! And while you’re at it, give one to Nicole Richie as well”. Look at that – ugh!
On to Us Weekly – other than the usual photos of stars without makeup, Brad and Angelina with their children, and Tara Reid partying, the only noteworthy item (and I use that term loosely) is on page 46, where there is a six page spread on Ashton and Demi. Their love timeline (gag me); the location of their vows; who was invited; who wasn’t, and the morning after the celebration. Excuse me?
Looks like Bruce is picking up the kids, so the lovebirds can have a little alone time. I’m sorry, but my ex-husband would never have been so amicable that he was picking up the kids so I had time to “get busy” with the new squeeze. Oh, brother!
Before we move on to the Globe..
Page 71, has a lab assistant doing a boob ultra-sound on Tyra Banks to see if they are real or not. Come on! Enough already. Does anyone, and I mean anyone, really care if her boobs are real or not! Are the ratings on her show so poor, that they have a chick from the lab feeling up Tyra’s breasts to see if they’re real.
The Globe on page 8 has a whole expose on the Kennedy’s, and how the family has a long history of violence and substance abuse. No,really? That’s old news….boring!
Page 30 – Looks like Laura Bush is thinking of leaving the President, because his drinking is out of hand. Same story as last week folks, and trust me, it will never happen. Keep throwin’ em’ back George…that will help get this country on the right track! Yeah!
And yes, as I suspected, the National Examiner was a BIG mistake! Don’t even waste your time, or money, reading this rag. It’s lean on celebrity news and gossip. Nothing, absolutely nothing in it, worth mentioning; I’ll never pick it up again. The cover is all about Prince William’s secret brother, and how Prince Charles had carried on an affair for 22 years, with his mistress who bore a son, and of course, should be heir to the thrown.
When the lead story is all about looking for love over 50 on the internet; hell, that can be done on the corner of Santa Monica and Highland!