It’s Tabloid Time! And it’s all about the babies! The Enquirer is saying that Britney’s baby has brain damage, and that Katie’s family explodes at Tom; no doubt due to something related to their daughter, Suri and Scientology. The Star is reporting that Katie’s in tears because she thinks Tom will take her baby away. Us Weekly has the “exclusive” of Nick’s tell all dirty little secrets about Jessica; and apparently Heather Locklear and David Spade have become quite an item.

First the Enquirer…

Page 6 – The Tom and Katie story. Apparently, he’s demanding full custody of Suri if they split, and she says she’ll fight him all the way. What? They don’t even have a definite wedding date set, and already he’s discussing divorce? What’s up with that? And her Catholic parents are furious that Tom won’t allow Suri to be baptized Catholic. According to a source, it’s Scientology all the way…

Page 10 – This is rich. There’s a photo of a petite brunette lying face down on the floor of a Hollywood nightclub that is supposedly Paula Abdul. Come on! You can’t even see the girls face. Supposedly, Paula was pushed to the floor during a barroom brawl, and now she is claiming she has suffered spinal cord injuries. Her critics maintain she made up the attack story to cover up the fact that she was so drunk, she was being ejected from the club.

She’s such a mess…Please, Paula; do us all a favor, and check into rehab.

Page 22 – Vince and Jennifer have broken up, according to an inside source, but they’ve agreed to stay together until after the release of their movie in June. Apparently, Jen’s told Vince she’s not ready for a long-term commitment, and realizes that Vince was the rebound guy; of course, Vince is devastated. I’m sure there’s more going on here than we know. Movie publicity spin…?

Page 30 – Britney’s baby tragedy, and his possible brain damage. Supposedly, there’s an “inside source” ready to go public about other instances where baby Sean Preston has fallen on his head twice before, and now child welfare service is involved. Apparently, she’s worried that 3 fired bodyguards are getting ready to pen a tell-all book about intimate details of her life; from her drug past (alleged drug past), her bawdy sex life and her stormy marriage. All this is causing “real” tension between she and hubby. Really? The reported girlfriends he’s carrying on with aren’t the “real” reason for the tension….?

Page 34 – Finally…Whitney’s checked into rehab again. Guess I can sleep tonight.

Page 36 – Star Jones…please; just admit it was gastric bypass and plastic surgery and move on.

The Star…Page 42 has the whole Tom and Katie story, and how Tom wants full custody of Suri if, (I say when) the couple splits. Boring.

Page 48 – Seems as though Brad and Angelina have made themselves (and their children) prisoners of their own perfect paradise. According to reports, they’ve basically spent more than a quarter of a million dollars for security measures in the small African town they are staying in while they await the birth of their baby. And now, Angelina is miserable because she feels the whole birthing experience has been ruined, because they “can’t” walk around freely and enjoy themselves. Guess what? You made this environment, and chose to make a spectacle of yourself by putting up all those security measure, and closing down restaurants for a month. Now I guess you have to live with the consequences. Yes, Brangelina, they’re called consequences.

Us Weekly…

Page 9 – Heather Locklear and David Spade exiting Arnie Morton’s in Burbank on April 13th. Hope you enjoyed a martini. The bartenders there make the best I’ve ever tasted.

Page 80 – a programming note. The 33rd Annual Daytime Emmy’s will air Friday, 4/28 with hosts Kelly Monaco and Tom Bergeron. Rick Springfield will kick off the event singing his 1981 hit “Jessie’s Girl”. Yeah, I’m sure I’ll be Tivoing that…not.

That’s a wrap.